The Names Machine

A friend recently implied that I might be using some sort of expensive software to generate the Random Fake Band Names of the Day that I post on Facebook and Twitter. (Fresh band names appear Monday through Friday at 3:45 PM—unless something doesn’t work like it’s supposed to.)

Before that rumor spreads any further, please allow me to take this opportunity to nip that in the bud right here, right now: I do not now, nor have I at any time, used any technology or software—other than the mushy coils between my ears and the rhythms of everyday conversation—to generate band names. Friends that I used to work with years ago can attest to this fact, and even verify the origin of what became a game that we played on a near-daily basis: “Yeah, that’s your band name of the day right there.” (They would even tell you that I was the game’s creator.)

People tell me all the time, “Hey, I’ve got a band name for you…” Often, sadly, they do not. In order to qualify as a band name, a certain rhythm must be achieved in the syllables, and once the name grows beyond a particular length, often you must yield the field and transition into the arena of album titles. (Album titles can be as long and as unreasonable as you like.) The best band names are those which are not only relatively short, but which also contain some degree of ambiguity. Of course it’s not always possible to achieve ideal band name parity with such stringent conditions, so the rules are a little lenient.

Although I can by no means conclusively prove that I don’t cheat to generate band names—it’s really a question of character and integrity, which is why I invoked the support of witnesses present at the inception of the band name of the day—here are just a few examples from band names I have posted in the past, along with the explanation of how they were born:

  • Accidental Battle. On a recent visit to Greece, we were confined for lengthy periods to (never-unpleasant) tour buses. Many times, to get to someplace great, you have to ride for a while. (Go figure.) Anyway, on one of the longer rides, our fabulous tour guide showed us a couple of DVDs on the in-bus entertainment system. One of them was a History Channel production about the original, true story of a rogue Spartan general facing off against impossible odds in a narrow canyon, a moment in history which was the likely inspiration for the blood-gore-and-boobie-fest graphic novel and subsequent film, 300. The narrator of this documentary at one point remarked how this general found himself in this awkward position—where he had no choice but to fight—quite by accident, and only through sheer determination and strategic prowess did he win the day. An Accidental Battle.
  • The Buffalo’s Apple. Our great State Fair of Oklahoma was held just a month ago, in mid-September. Although it has become absurdly expensive and uncomfortably crowded in recent years, there exists no substitute I am aware of for mullet and pierced navel sightings, so I still consider it a must-attend. I took my 9-year-old son and my 5-year-old daughter, and my sister and brother-in-law and three lovely nieces joined us. At the very end of our stay, as we were walking toward the exit gate, everyone wanted to have a look at a mangy buffalo inside a fenced-in area. So we ambled over to ogle him. There, by his hooves, was a rather large and visibly soft pile of buffalo chips (feces), and within just a few inches of it was—you guessed it: an apple. The apple had a large bite out of it already, as though he had been munching on it earlier and had inadvertently dropped it, losing it in his hay. We laughed as we watched him sniffing all around, as though he were searching for it, placing bets on whether he would actually eat the apple if he found it. He did find it. He did not eat it. It was The Buffalo’s Apple.
  • Roasting a Drone. Recently I read an article online about some military technology which employs pairing a sophisticated tracking system with a high-powered laser to superheat and therefore ignite missiles and similar propulsive explosive devices to the point that they detonate before reaching their targets. In the military contractor’s demonstration before the happy government committee who writes checks, they successfully shot a small radio-controlled missile, sort of like a Predator drone, out of the sky with their “laser.” Somewhere in the copy of the article, the author described the process of heating the flying implement as essentially “roasting” it in midair. Thus, Roasting a Drone.

I hope that my de-mystifying this process for you does not diminish your enjoyment of the Random Fake Band Name of the Day. Rather, I seek to include you in the game with sufficient means that you may become fiercely competitive at it yourselves.

Also, if you haven’t noticed it before, because I love you—all five of you who read my blog—every title of every post I’ve ever written for this blog…is a Random Fake Band Name. Yes. I am awesome. And as always: You’re welcome.

What’s YOUR random fake band name for today? (Be careful—I’ll be judging, and I may relegate your entry to the dreaded album title category instead.) Do you have a favorite random fake band name of the day that you remember from those I’ve posted? If you’re not following me on Twitter or on Facebook, for the love of cows, why not? What’s WRONG with you? I mean, seriously!

15 Responses to “The Names Machine”

  1. Arly November 1, 2010 at 8:48 am #

    The Deck Oven Stones, Ribbon Stage Yolks

    The culinary world could open a whole new world of Random Fake Band Names. This will be fun.

    • Brannon November 1, 2010 at 8:03 pm #

      Those are both good pretty good. I think I actually like “Ribbon Stage” just by itself. Well played, Master Chef.

  2. Bea November 1, 2010 at 10:05 am #

    I remain a faithful reader……..

    • Brannon November 1, 2010 at 8:04 pm #

      I don’t know if I’m allowed to count blood relatives and in-laws in my metrics.

  3. Brian Russell November 1, 2010 at 12:25 pm #

    Mad Broncos Disease

    (that one is with Arly & all Denver fans in mind)

    I personally think the band name can be a bit longer so long as you can shorten it as such:
    KOL, DMB, or in this case MBD

    • Brannon November 1, 2010 at 8:05 pm #

      That ones not too shabby. Think I’d shorten it to just “Mad Bronco Disease” so it better parallels “Mad Cow Disease.” Kendra prefers ICP.

    • Brannon November 1, 2010 at 8:13 pm #


      (Yes, I’m that guy. But not to you guys. Only to myself. Unless you cross me.) (squints menacingly)

  4. Jill McCleery November 1, 2010 at 5:07 pm #

    Fate Has Spoken

    • Brannon November 1, 2010 at 8:06 pm #

      Oooooh… Good one, Jill. I’d never go see them, of course, ‘cause it sounds like a melodramatic chick band. And I’m a dude.

  5. Cissa November 1, 2010 at 5:54 pm #

    for the love of cows :)

    • Brannon November 1, 2010 at 8:10 pm #

      Haha! YES! That may be too similar to the name of the excellent Foo Fighters song from their self-titled debut album: “For All the Cows.” Lord knows I don’t wanna get sued by those guys…not again.

  6. Cooper Strange November 2, 2010 at 12:02 pm #

    Oh yes, the game is quite unmechanized. I have taken part in some of the fake namings. That is, of course, to make it sound like I did something, but really Brannon is the real fake genius here.

    • Brannon November 2, 2010 at 12:46 pm #

      Thank you?

  7. Joe Bednarz November 8, 2010 at 9:36 am #

    Yes, I can attest to the origin of the game… our environment for some reason lent itself particularly well to such an activity. However, it may have had something to do with maintaining sanity, but that might be the subject of another posting.

    • Brannon November 8, 2010 at 12:00 pm #

      …the Wall of JAFAN…

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