Addictive Chemicals

TONY: So who’s in this Pentaverate?
STUART: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds… AND Colonel Sanders before he went tets up. Oh, I hated the Colonel! With ‘is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on ‘is face: “Ewww, you’re gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!”
CHARLIE: Dad, how can you hate… the Colonel?
STUART: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smart@$$!

From So I Married an Axe Murderer, probably one of the  most underrated comedies ever. Starring Phil Hartman as “Vicky,” and Mike Myers as both Charlie and Stuart (Charlie’s dad).

KFC’s Double DownAnd I know exactly how Stuart feels. I myself have had a love/hate relationship with KFC for as long as I can remember. I couldn’t even begin to estimate how many pounds of their Original Recipe and Extra Crispy pieces I’ve succumbed to over the years. My earliest fond memories are of the chain way back in the day, when it was still actually called “Kentucky Fried Chicken” (the way God and the Colonel intended), sharing Mother’s Day festivities with our extended family—along with about half of Oklahoma City—at Stars and Stripes Park.

Now, I can’t say exactly when our relationship soured, but it was sometime in adulthood. Something changed in the magic formula. Oh, it still tastes like the chicken from my memories, but it affects my digestive system in a profoundly negative way. Even so, I pressed on, just not quite ready to break up and move on.

You see, for all the joy that KFC has brought me, it treats me like it’s my abusive girlfriend. She seems all beautiful and shiny and glistening at first, promising wonderful things. It’s even fun hanging out with her…at least for a while. Everything will be going well, and everybody’s happy. And then…KFC’s recipe has one of her crazy (although by now completely predictable) mood swings, bipolar-like, roughing me up with mindless violence.

Kendra and I will be sleeping in our bed, and hours later, here KFC will come, kicking the door down, waking me up and dragging me off to the bathroom, where she’ll just start whaling on me for an hour or so. I’ll still be pretty jacked-up the next day, too, washing my face over and over to try to de-emphasize the bags she left under my eyes, keeping me awake till the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes the day after, concerned friends will ask, “Hey man, are you okay?”

And I’ll answer weakly, “Rough night. We had KFC.”

And that’s all I have to say…because everybody knows about her.

After a few weeks, the injuries heal up, and you start to forget a little. We’ll see her when we’re out driving around, and she’ll promise she’s a new woman: “Hey, baby! I’m business partners with Long John’s now! I’m all cleaned up. We’re best buds. Why don’t you come add a piece of fish, get some crumbs…maybe have a piece of chicken?” Or, “Look what *I* have…” and she’ll hold out those two succulent fried patties with cheese and bacon sandwiched inside. She’s the devil.

I look to Kendra for strength. She reminds me that she loves me, that she wants only the best for me, and that KFC’s just no good for me. But the longer we’re away from each other, the more her siren song beckons to me. And I know: It’s just a matter of time.

What food do you love/hate? Have you SEEN the “nutritional” information for the Double Down? Seriously? Have you ever had one? (I haven’t.) If so, is it really as delectably lascivious as it looks? Do you like it when chains partner and have both menus (or even more) all in the same building?

21 Responses to “Addictive Chemicals”

  1. Ian Payne October 13, 2010 at 8:29 am #

    “Have you ever had one?”

    Of COURSE I’ve had one and they are awesome. Nutritionally it’s no worse than a Quarter Pounder with Cheese from McDonalds which not to say it’s good for you but downing a couple of them a month is no big deal.

    Go check out my FB pics and you can see one in all it’s glory.

    • Brannon October 13, 2010 at 11:40 am #

      Pretty sure this was what the writers of the song, “Food, Glorious Food” were imagining as they penned it.

    • Kendra Golden October 13, 2010 at 11:23 pm #

      I am totally going with Ian’s logic and trying one. Maybe if I get it to go and eat it next to the bathroom I’ll be OK.

  2. Mark Morris October 13, 2010 at 8:43 am #

    I too have fond memories of the Colonel from childhood. It was my mother’s second favorite place for eats, the first being A&W (she loved their rootbeer). My issue with KFC of late, is that she’s gold digger! For what me and my crew (8kids) can eat at KFC we can go to a sit down restaurant with real waiters and everything.

    • Brannon October 13, 2010 at 12:04 pm #

      Chocolate Crème Little Bucket Parfait. Glorious. (Although I need a minimum of 5 to feel that I’ve actually had dessert.)

  3. Hallie October 13, 2010 at 12:18 pm #

    So I Married an Axe Murderer is probably one of my all time favorite movies!


    “Hey, you know what this apartment needs? A really large oversized poster of Atlantic City.”

    “S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!”

    • Brannon October 13, 2010 at 10:25 pm #

      I already loved you, of course. But now you just moved into a very small, exclusive circle of select friends.

    • Kendra Golden October 13, 2010 at 11:24 pm #

      Happy baby day Hallie! Hopefully you’re fast asleep preparing to meet that baby boy tomorrow. :)

  4. Bea October 13, 2010 at 12:22 pm #

    Oh my…We will have our Fall Rathbun Gathering Saturday at the Sawmill Cabin…and guess what is on the menu???

    • Brannon October 13, 2010 at 10:26 pm #

      Oh, that’s fine. It’s not just any old fried chicken. It’s only KFC chicken. The kind from Walmart is great. No problems there.

  5. Amber Smart October 13, 2010 at 1:48 pm #

    I have the same love/hate relationship with KFC. Colonel Sanders leads a revolt deep within my bowels every single time. And yet, albeit 6 months later, I go back for more. Sick.

    • Brannon October 13, 2010 at 10:27 pm #

      Pretty sure there’s a Bible verse about that…something to do with dogs, I think…

  6. sam (@duregger) October 13, 2010 at 2:35 pm #

    it’s the same with me and ice cream. #lactard

    • Brannon October 13, 2010 at 10:27 pm #

      Awesome. (Now I know what to get you for your birthday.)

    • Brannon October 13, 2010 at 10:28 pm #

      Also, did you just hash tag a blog comment? You seriously need to unplug, Twitfreak! >;-D

    • Kendra Golden October 13, 2010 at 11:26 pm #

      Just so you know, @brannongolden used a hash tag in a DM recently. ;)

    • Brannon October 14, 2010 at 9:18 am #


  7. KM October 13, 2010 at 7:36 pm #

    Crumbs!!!!!! In the words of Drago, “talkin’ to me!”

    • Brannon October 13, 2010 at 10:29 pm #

      I could eat my weight in Long John’s crumbs. Even if that was all they had on the menu, I’d probably still go there every once in a while.

  8. Cooper Strange October 14, 2010 at 9:25 am #

    Speaking of Long John Silvers…my wife and I were dog tired one night and all my sweet memories from my family’s infrequent stops at Long John’s throughout childhood came to mind. It was just around the corner and we gave it a go.

    I am not one to blush at eating loads of fat or oil. I mean, it is all relative and if you stay active or do not regularly eat such, it is no big deal. We both felt like we were eating handfuls of ten-day-old oil, so thick with left over particles of previously fried foods that the food items not only all tasted identical, but my gut went ahead and told me up front this stuff was going to come out fast and furious, one way or another.

    Won’t touch the stuff. I get a gag reflex at the sight of the sign…unfortunate because, as I said, it is just around the corner.

    • Brannon October 15, 2010 at 11:24 am #

      I’m afraid I’m gonna have to disagree with you on this one, Cousin. What you need is a little hair of the dog that bit you. Start off easy, maybe just an order of crumbs or a chicken plank. Then gradually work your way back up to a full Cod fillet.

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