Dad’s No Bully

My dad is a plumber, electrician, auto mechanic, engineer, carpenter, endocrinologist.

Actually, that last one’s made up, but it doesn’t matter. An endocrinologist has
useless skills when held up to the brilliant light of the others. I guarantee you no
one on Survivor gets excited when they find out on the flight out to the island that
one of their tribe members is an endocrinologist. It’s a crapshoot whether an
endocrinologist can make a fire. My dad can make a fire using an plastic water bottle
and some of his chest hair that he’s spun together like wire. I crap you not. MacGyver
WISHES he was based on my dad. If my dad and MacGyver were in a competition, it would
be like that episode of Star Trek where Kirk faces off against the lizard captain in
the death match. My dad IS Captain Kirk. He is that good. Honestly, my dad probably
couldn’t beat your dad in a fight. But if your dad beat my dad in a fight, that same
night your dad’s house would collapse on him and kill him in his bed, because my dad
knows exactly which brick he can twist out of a corner of your dad’s house that’s the
critical linchpin holding the whole thing together. Or he could open up your dad’s air
conditioning unit with the screwdriver on his pocketknife and with a few simple twists
make sure your dad passes peacefully in his sleep as noxious freon and carbon
monoxide, the twin shapeless ninja killers, gently overtake him and carry him off to
his well-deserved bully hell. What the heck is your dad still doing beating people up
at his age, anyway? What kind of sick bully dementia complex is your dad draggin
around?
But my dad can’t spell, so I have it over him there. I can Thalso type

To be honest, my dad probably couldn’t beat your dad in a fight. (Which begs the question: Why is your dad still picking fights at his age?) My dad doesn’t need to beat up your dad. My dad’s infinitely secure in his manhood. He’d never waste his time with such silliness. My dad’s a plumber, electrician, bricklayer, drywaller, landscaper, tile man, auto mechanic, engineer, carpenter, and endocrinologist.

Actually, I made up that last one. Although I’m pretty sure endocrinologists are real, I just mean that I think their skills would be exposed as useless in the brilliant light of all the things my dad can do. I suspect no one on Survivor goes all giddy and light-headed when they discover there’s an endocrinologist in their tribe. “Twelve years of college? Really? Can you spear a fish? How are you at giant rope puzzles? How long can you hang upside down without passing out?” My dad’s answers would be:

“College is for lazy punks who don’t want to work.”

“I’ll swallow the ocean, and you can pick up whatever fish you want off dry ground.”

“I make my own rope—you can’t trust that store-bought junk,” and

“I’m not sure—time me.”

It’s 50:50 whether an endocrinologist could make a fire. Not only can my dad can make a fire using only the sun, a plastic water bottle, and banana leaves, but he’d go you one better. He’d add some sand and make nice glass bottles for everybody. My dad is not a man to be trifled with.

MacGyver WISHES he was based on my dad. If MacGyver ever challenged my dad, I picture it playing out like that Star Trek episode “Arena,” where Kirk goes mano-a-mano against the Gorn lizard captain. My dad would be playing the role of Captain Kirk, of course. My dad IS Captain Kirk. He’s that good. Now, I like MacGyver, but he’s no Gorn lizard captain.

My dad bought his first RV several years ago (that’s recreational vehicle, by the way, and not reticent velociraptor). It was a fifth wheel—a big, really sweet pull-behind job. It was nice, but not nice enough to suit him. He re-did the entire interior. Why not the outside? “Nobody cares what the outside looks like, son. It’s the inside that you enjoy once you’re at the site.” When he was done, my mom liked staying in it more than she liked staying in their house. He kept that one for two years and then sold it for more than he had invested in it. He’s done that four more times (so far).

My dad probably couldn’t beat up your dad. And I absolutely couldn’t care less.

Tell me about your dad. What makes him awesome? What can your dad do that other dads can’t? What can he do that YOU can’t?

3 Responses to “Dad’s No Bully”

  1. Bea August 25, 2010 at 11:14 am #

    You DO have an amazing dad. What made mine great was he loved and took care of me.

    • Brannon August 25, 2010 at 12:42 pm #

      I wish I could have gotten to know him when he was younger. :)

  2. Dona Dickens August 25, 2010 at 1:23 pm #

    my dad’s exactly as awesome as yours. small world.

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